This is not the fattest ass in the world, no.
This is just a tribute.
Welp, I hope you took the insider tip on your wagering because I quit exercising after 2 days.
So now I am thinking of doing this crazy thing that I'm pretty sure involves paying people to yell at me, and I have to wonder how it has come to this point.
This morning I ate several pastries. Several. It's called fatigue eating, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's intentional. I am so tired. I never sleep enough. I wake up and I'm starving. I want lots of calories fast and all the quick energy I can get, which as it turns out is none. I eat all day to try and stay awake.
Fuck all this splainin, I need to go to bed.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Everything That Rises
Something good is happening. It's interesting, two things at once that both need to happen are converging. I need to practice writing, and I need to practice living a healthy lifestyle.
The need to practice writing cannot be explained. I write perfectly well in correspondence and business communication. I need to write. It's in my soul. I started when I was a baby, not even four years old. I kept a journal for ages. It's only been in my adult life that I have let it slip and have given up on my dreams of writing, or even my enjoyment of it.
That ends now.
I think if people who know me were to read this blog they would not recognize me here. This is because I believe I am going through the process known as "finding my voice." It is awkward. It is dry. It is boring. But it's going somewhere, I know it.
The other voice - the one that makes a sound - is hilarious and crazy and witty and low and loud and usually has a smile in front of it. This is different.
I can bitch to my girlfriends about my weight issues and problems, but really, at some point, I have to shut up and start pretending to be normal on the subject. Oh, exercise? Yeah, you're right, that's a great idea. I'll try to fit it in, for sure. You're absolutely right, it is super important. You've convinced me.
Have you ever talked to someone who keeps saying, "...yes, but..." to everything you say? It drives me nuts. I don't want to be that person. That's how I feel I usually start sounding in a conversation about What I Should Do About My Weight.
Sometimes I want to be the person who says, "Look, you fucking dumbass. Yes, I have a degree from Harvard. I have heard of exercise before. I have actually tried it, and in fact I have actually done a number of things that most people have not. I have actually ridden my bike 50 miles. I have climbed rocks. I have stayed on an hour of cardio / pilates program for upwards of a year, four to five times a week. In high school I ran cross country and during the season ran eighteen miles some days. At one time I could squat 250 pounds. So yes, I have heard of this thing of which you speak. I have seen all kinds of normal people limping along on treadmills and getting in their stupid 20 minutes on the treadmill and staying perfectly fit, and I suspect you are among them. It is not like that for me. When I start an exercise regimen it is scary. It means that yes, I will drop some weight upfront, but within about 2 months I will have plateaued while still in the morbidly obese range. Then, while still broke, while still the mother of two small children, while still working a full time job, I will have to figure out some way to get TONS of exercise, and really HARD exercise. While cutting calories drastically. To get any results at all. So PLEASE. This is not amateur hour. It is different for me. Shut up."
Don't get me wrong, I love support, I lap it up like a dog. What I don't like is people in the thin to normal range thinking they have any fucking clue. Giving me their secrets to happiness. Like cutting calories and exercising.
I guess my voice has some hostility in it, and I guess that's to be expected.
Turning to brighter matters, I did play at being healthful today and it wasn't too, too bad. This is the boring part, but hopefully I will look back on it one day and laugh and toss my hair about wildly.
Breakfast: 2/3 pint of blueberries, handful of almonds, black coffee
Lunch: 1/2 cup fresh pico de gallo, about 5 ryevita crackers (the colon blaster), some healthy choice steamer microwave chicken thing
Snack: 8-oz low sodium v-8, handful of pumpkin seeds
Dinner: grilled chicken salad with some super healthy omega 3 bullshit dressing, pecans, cranberries, a little asiago cheese, with a side of a big chunk of a baguette
Snack: Like maybe 12 pieces of chocolate and a handful of pretzels
I need to get the chocolate out of the house...
I went for a bike ride for about 20 minutes and it seriously made me feel like I had lost the use of my thighs. Ok, ok, I admit, it did feel kind of good. I think I just can't stand to have people talking at me when I'm trying to not stroke out after hard exercise. For me it was hard exercise. My girlfriend telling me how great my ass looked on the bike did not help matters.
Two days in a row of exercise. I probably just jinxed it by pointing that out, but let's try and see how long we can make that last. Personal challenge: How many days in a row can I get some exercise? Tune in at some point in the next 2-5 days for the answer.
The need to practice writing cannot be explained. I write perfectly well in correspondence and business communication. I need to write. It's in my soul. I started when I was a baby, not even four years old. I kept a journal for ages. It's only been in my adult life that I have let it slip and have given up on my dreams of writing, or even my enjoyment of it.
That ends now.
I think if people who know me were to read this blog they would not recognize me here. This is because I believe I am going through the process known as "finding my voice." It is awkward. It is dry. It is boring. But it's going somewhere, I know it.
The other voice - the one that makes a sound - is hilarious and crazy and witty and low and loud and usually has a smile in front of it. This is different.
I can bitch to my girlfriends about my weight issues and problems, but really, at some point, I have to shut up and start pretending to be normal on the subject. Oh, exercise? Yeah, you're right, that's a great idea. I'll try to fit it in, for sure. You're absolutely right, it is super important. You've convinced me.
Have you ever talked to someone who keeps saying, "...yes, but..." to everything you say? It drives me nuts. I don't want to be that person. That's how I feel I usually start sounding in a conversation about What I Should Do About My Weight.
Sometimes I want to be the person who says, "Look, you fucking dumbass. Yes, I have a degree from Harvard. I have heard of exercise before. I have actually tried it, and in fact I have actually done a number of things that most people have not. I have actually ridden my bike 50 miles. I have climbed rocks. I have stayed on an hour of cardio / pilates program for upwards of a year, four to five times a week. In high school I ran cross country and during the season ran eighteen miles some days. At one time I could squat 250 pounds. So yes, I have heard of this thing of which you speak. I have seen all kinds of normal people limping along on treadmills and getting in their stupid 20 minutes on the treadmill and staying perfectly fit, and I suspect you are among them. It is not like that for me. When I start an exercise regimen it is scary. It means that yes, I will drop some weight upfront, but within about 2 months I will have plateaued while still in the morbidly obese range. Then, while still broke, while still the mother of two small children, while still working a full time job, I will have to figure out some way to get TONS of exercise, and really HARD exercise. While cutting calories drastically. To get any results at all. So PLEASE. This is not amateur hour. It is different for me. Shut up."
Don't get me wrong, I love support, I lap it up like a dog. What I don't like is people in the thin to normal range thinking they have any fucking clue. Giving me their secrets to happiness. Like cutting calories and exercising.
I guess my voice has some hostility in it, and I guess that's to be expected.
Turning to brighter matters, I did play at being healthful today and it wasn't too, too bad. This is the boring part, but hopefully I will look back on it one day and laugh and toss my hair about wildly.
Breakfast: 2/3 pint of blueberries, handful of almonds, black coffee
Lunch: 1/2 cup fresh pico de gallo, about 5 ryevita crackers (the colon blaster), some healthy choice steamer microwave chicken thing
Snack: 8-oz low sodium v-8, handful of pumpkin seeds
Dinner: grilled chicken salad with some super healthy omega 3 bullshit dressing, pecans, cranberries, a little asiago cheese, with a side of a big chunk of a baguette
Snack: Like maybe 12 pieces of chocolate and a handful of pretzels
I need to get the chocolate out of the house...
I went for a bike ride for about 20 minutes and it seriously made me feel like I had lost the use of my thighs. Ok, ok, I admit, it did feel kind of good. I think I just can't stand to have people talking at me when I'm trying to not stroke out after hard exercise. For me it was hard exercise. My girlfriend telling me how great my ass looked on the bike did not help matters.
Two days in a row of exercise. I probably just jinxed it by pointing that out, but let's try and see how long we can make that last. Personal challenge: How many days in a row can I get some exercise? Tune in at some point in the next 2-5 days for the answer.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Plans, Cycles
"If you fail to plan then you plan to fail." -Anonymous
Oh, piss off.
I know, okay?
So I just got back from weekly groceries. And I bought the same thing I buy every week. Seven days worth of amazing nutrition for myself and my family. With a monstrous snack for tonight. The idea is that I will start my new and healthy lifestyle on Monday. Every Monday. Then Monday night I have girlfriends over to watch our show, and it is the high point of my week socially, so no, it's not going anywhere unless the network changes days. And we snack and we usually have some alcoholic beverages. And sometimes we have heavy alcoholic beverages. And I usually forget to pack a healthy lunch for Tuesday, so now we're talking Wednesday before I can really get into my healthy new lifestyle. Wednesday is Spanish language night and we eat tostadas. They are fried in corn oil. They are muy delicioso and make me want to eat about 40 of them. So then it's practically weekend, and who the hell wants to start a healthy new lifestyle on a weekend???
OK, so the point is not to pick apart what I'm doing and how I could change my routine. The point is that this is my CURRENT cycle. It has always been something like this. There's always something in the way, and perhaps it is the case that deep down I don't want to change it, really. Maybe I'm afraid of change, who knows. I'm completely tired of thinking about this.
Today was lovely. I woke up knowing I needed to get some exercise. Real exercise. I'm somewhat afraid of having a much heightened heart rate these days because I'm afraid of how weak my heart is. I don't know, but I feel like it might be. So, for me to get good exercise, I feel like I need to spend a long time going slow to medium-slow. I ate some granola and then we walked to the playground. It's about a 45 minute walk one-way. I pushed the stroller on the way over with both boys in it; I think I read somewhere once that pushing a stroller burns 2 extra calories per minute. I played on the playground with the boys. I didn't do anything crazy active, just pulled myself up, hung from things, climbed stuff. Got in there. While we were there we had a healthy little lunch at the picnic area. PB&J on whole wheat, a few chips, a clif bar, a nectarine, and water. I did drink quite a bit of water today. Then we walked back. So far so good, right? Then I went grocery shopping. I was very good. I only bought one tiny square of turkish delight for me to have tonight. I ate it right after dinner, which was thin sliced pork loin chops, watermelon, and steamed carrots. Then everyone ate pretzels for some reason, so I had a few of those too. Not too bad. Then I ate probably fifteen hersheys kisses. I may eat more in a minute. And this was a good day for me.
I noticed my joints are pretty creaky today. They have every right and reason to be. And my back is just in outright agony. I think my ass is putting a huge torsion strain on it. If I look at myself in the mirror facing front, I look pretty overweight, but I don't look super obese. If I look from the side, it's terrifying. My ass sticks out so, so far. Like maybe a foot or more from my lower back. Then My belly hangs down at exactly the right angle to be adding pressure to my lower back. Like there's a massive vector on my lower spine pointed down and forward. As if the top half and bottom half of my body are not stacked on each other. All the weight of my top half is forward and all the weight of my bottom half is behind. Which I guess is better than the other way around, but it is killing my back. Just a note. One in a sea of worries.
Anyway, the thing is, I've tried everything. Well, not true. Since this whole thing started snowballing on me circa 1997, I havent' tried anything else I felt was unhealthy. Aside from that, I've tried it all. Small steps, yes. I get frustrated bc I don't get anywhere. Draconic (but healthy) measures such as Fat Flush, yes. I can't live like that. If I have to eat unseasoned grilled bison (even eight full freaking ounces of it) and raw radishes (bc carrots are too high on the glycemic bullshit scale) to look decent then y'all can all kiss my big fat ass. I've tried weight watchers, yes. It's a very good program. It's just immensely tedious and I give up after a few months. I did it last fall; it was great. I didn't even really exercise and I lost 20 pounds in like 6 weeks. Then another 5 or so over the next couple of months. Then Christmas. Then nothingland. I was proud of myself for kind of maintaining for a long time, but when I quit smoking it pretty much all became a wash.
So, I've become fairly afraid to try.
I think something, somewhere along the way did stick with me, though. I think it has to be true that you have to change your lifestyle, not just temporarily adopt a menu or exercise plan. I believe that is true. Thus it stands to reason that whatever you do has to be something that fits into your lifestyle. I mean, I enjoy playing in the pool on a hot summer day, for example. I don't like swimming. I don't have free and easy access to a pool. Therefore, does it make sense for me to try and make swimming a regular part of my regimen? No. You know? In my case though, there are a lot of things that don't fit in. Too many. So what does stick?
The only time in recent years I have had much luck with the whole diet-n-exercise combo was right before I got pregnant with my older son. I took up running and rock climbing. Hell yeah. As you can imagine, that did the trick. Running was goal-based. My sister and I were training for a half marathon. Rock climbing was what my friends were all doing. It was social. They both were, in a way. So those two things were melting the fat off me, plus I started doing just one key thing in my diet, which was to not eat anything between meals. The meals themselves were sometimes a little heavy, usually not, but nothing in between meals. The other key thing - and I believe this was truly key - was that any time I got a chance to do something active, I did it. I played frisbee with my friends, I walked my dog, I played dance dance revolution with my neice, you name it. Whatever anyone was doing. I made Yes my default answer. And as I did more, I became able to do more.
I know why I stopped - the pregnancy - but I don't know why I can't get back there again. Maybe the stress and tedium associated with family life? With working a sit-on-your-gigantic-ass-all-day-job? Maybe because I don't have the freedom of time any more? I can't rock climb until I lose some weight and get back to where I was when last I climbed. It was really difficult as it was, much less with the additional weight I've put on. But there's so much I can do, and should.
I don't have a plan. I packed a healthy breakfast and lunch for tomorrow, as well as a healthy snack for late afternoon. I have to run two errands at lunch tomorrow so no time for a noon walk. If I get to work on time, which is rare, then I could maybe leave on time and get in a super quick - like 20 minute - bike ride. Is that worth it? Well, since I'm mainly trying to get in shape to pull the trailer, then probably any amount is worth it. Then kids, then healthy dinner (salad and bread), then I'm making a raw vegetable dish for the girls who are coming over, then they get here, then we gab, then tv and booze. I think we're having mint julep to try and utilize the bounty of mint growing in my garden. I could say no. But it's free booze, and probably the only I will have this week. Times are tough and we don't get to drink like we used to.
Am I completely insane? Or is anyone out there following the sick logic?
I'm not an idiot, I swear. I'm actually a very smart woman.
It's balancing the current lifestyle against the future one. On one side we have a desire to be healthier, and the knowledge of how, more or less, to do it. More exercise, less calories. On the other side there's the desire to have fun. A love of food. A love of booze. Many years of this eating habit. A dislike of most forms of exercise. Creaky joints. Kids. Fatigue. Stress.
It's so, so hard. Now it's been so long and has taken up so much of my time and energy, I've developed a whole world of issues around it. A whole garden of psychological neuroses that I tend with my fork and knife.
I guess I do I have a plan for tomorrow, complete with a built-in loophole for failure. Shall I fail? Succeed? Who can say. One is at least as likely as the other.
Oh, piss off.
I know, okay?
So I just got back from weekly groceries. And I bought the same thing I buy every week. Seven days worth of amazing nutrition for myself and my family. With a monstrous snack for tonight. The idea is that I will start my new and healthy lifestyle on Monday. Every Monday. Then Monday night I have girlfriends over to watch our show, and it is the high point of my week socially, so no, it's not going anywhere unless the network changes days. And we snack and we usually have some alcoholic beverages. And sometimes we have heavy alcoholic beverages. And I usually forget to pack a healthy lunch for Tuesday, so now we're talking Wednesday before I can really get into my healthy new lifestyle. Wednesday is Spanish language night and we eat tostadas. They are fried in corn oil. They are muy delicioso and make me want to eat about 40 of them. So then it's practically weekend, and who the hell wants to start a healthy new lifestyle on a weekend???
OK, so the point is not to pick apart what I'm doing and how I could change my routine. The point is that this is my CURRENT cycle. It has always been something like this. There's always something in the way, and perhaps it is the case that deep down I don't want to change it, really. Maybe I'm afraid of change, who knows. I'm completely tired of thinking about this.
Today was lovely. I woke up knowing I needed to get some exercise. Real exercise. I'm somewhat afraid of having a much heightened heart rate these days because I'm afraid of how weak my heart is. I don't know, but I feel like it might be. So, for me to get good exercise, I feel like I need to spend a long time going slow to medium-slow. I ate some granola and then we walked to the playground. It's about a 45 minute walk one-way. I pushed the stroller on the way over with both boys in it; I think I read somewhere once that pushing a stroller burns 2 extra calories per minute. I played on the playground with the boys. I didn't do anything crazy active, just pulled myself up, hung from things, climbed stuff. Got in there. While we were there we had a healthy little lunch at the picnic area. PB&J on whole wheat, a few chips, a clif bar, a nectarine, and water. I did drink quite a bit of water today. Then we walked back. So far so good, right? Then I went grocery shopping. I was very good. I only bought one tiny square of turkish delight for me to have tonight. I ate it right after dinner, which was thin sliced pork loin chops, watermelon, and steamed carrots. Then everyone ate pretzels for some reason, so I had a few of those too. Not too bad. Then I ate probably fifteen hersheys kisses. I may eat more in a minute. And this was a good day for me.
I noticed my joints are pretty creaky today. They have every right and reason to be. And my back is just in outright agony. I think my ass is putting a huge torsion strain on it. If I look at myself in the mirror facing front, I look pretty overweight, but I don't look super obese. If I look from the side, it's terrifying. My ass sticks out so, so far. Like maybe a foot or more from my lower back. Then My belly hangs down at exactly the right angle to be adding pressure to my lower back. Like there's a massive vector on my lower spine pointed down and forward. As if the top half and bottom half of my body are not stacked on each other. All the weight of my top half is forward and all the weight of my bottom half is behind. Which I guess is better than the other way around, but it is killing my back. Just a note. One in a sea of worries.
Anyway, the thing is, I've tried everything. Well, not true. Since this whole thing started snowballing on me circa 1997, I havent' tried anything else I felt was unhealthy. Aside from that, I've tried it all. Small steps, yes. I get frustrated bc I don't get anywhere. Draconic (but healthy) measures such as Fat Flush, yes. I can't live like that. If I have to eat unseasoned grilled bison (even eight full freaking ounces of it) and raw radishes (bc carrots are too high on the glycemic bullshit scale) to look decent then y'all can all kiss my big fat ass. I've tried weight watchers, yes. It's a very good program. It's just immensely tedious and I give up after a few months. I did it last fall; it was great. I didn't even really exercise and I lost 20 pounds in like 6 weeks. Then another 5 or so over the next couple of months. Then Christmas. Then nothingland. I was proud of myself for kind of maintaining for a long time, but when I quit smoking it pretty much all became a wash.
So, I've become fairly afraid to try.
I think something, somewhere along the way did stick with me, though. I think it has to be true that you have to change your lifestyle, not just temporarily adopt a menu or exercise plan. I believe that is true. Thus it stands to reason that whatever you do has to be something that fits into your lifestyle. I mean, I enjoy playing in the pool on a hot summer day, for example. I don't like swimming. I don't have free and easy access to a pool. Therefore, does it make sense for me to try and make swimming a regular part of my regimen? No. You know? In my case though, there are a lot of things that don't fit in. Too many. So what does stick?
The only time in recent years I have had much luck with the whole diet-n-exercise combo was right before I got pregnant with my older son. I took up running and rock climbing. Hell yeah. As you can imagine, that did the trick. Running was goal-based. My sister and I were training for a half marathon. Rock climbing was what my friends were all doing. It was social. They both were, in a way. So those two things were melting the fat off me, plus I started doing just one key thing in my diet, which was to not eat anything between meals. The meals themselves were sometimes a little heavy, usually not, but nothing in between meals. The other key thing - and I believe this was truly key - was that any time I got a chance to do something active, I did it. I played frisbee with my friends, I walked my dog, I played dance dance revolution with my neice, you name it. Whatever anyone was doing. I made Yes my default answer. And as I did more, I became able to do more.
I know why I stopped - the pregnancy - but I don't know why I can't get back there again. Maybe the stress and tedium associated with family life? With working a sit-on-your-gigantic-ass-all-day-job? Maybe because I don't have the freedom of time any more? I can't rock climb until I lose some weight and get back to where I was when last I climbed. It was really difficult as it was, much less with the additional weight I've put on. But there's so much I can do, and should.
I don't have a plan. I packed a healthy breakfast and lunch for tomorrow, as well as a healthy snack for late afternoon. I have to run two errands at lunch tomorrow so no time for a noon walk. If I get to work on time, which is rare, then I could maybe leave on time and get in a super quick - like 20 minute - bike ride. Is that worth it? Well, since I'm mainly trying to get in shape to pull the trailer, then probably any amount is worth it. Then kids, then healthy dinner (salad and bread), then I'm making a raw vegetable dish for the girls who are coming over, then they get here, then we gab, then tv and booze. I think we're having mint julep to try and utilize the bounty of mint growing in my garden. I could say no. But it's free booze, and probably the only I will have this week. Times are tough and we don't get to drink like we used to.
Am I completely insane? Or is anyone out there following the sick logic?
I'm not an idiot, I swear. I'm actually a very smart woman.
It's balancing the current lifestyle against the future one. On one side we have a desire to be healthier, and the knowledge of how, more or less, to do it. More exercise, less calories. On the other side there's the desire to have fun. A love of food. A love of booze. Many years of this eating habit. A dislike of most forms of exercise. Creaky joints. Kids. Fatigue. Stress.
It's so, so hard. Now it's been so long and has taken up so much of my time and energy, I've developed a whole world of issues around it. A whole garden of psychological neuroses that I tend with my fork and knife.
I guess I do I have a plan for tomorrow, complete with a built-in loophole for failure. Shall I fail? Succeed? Who can say. One is at least as likely as the other.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Opening Embarrassment, Day One
I want to look like a normal woman.
I resemble a woman, currently, but like a grotesquely exaggerrated woman, in a way. I have the biggest ass I have ever seen, ever. Ever. I have no idea what happened.
My body has been holding me back for almost my whole life. When I was a freshman in college I decided to do away with the ten to fifteen extra pounds I had always carried, so I starved myself for 2-3 months. I lost it. That's the only time I have been truly tiny. Maybe 110. Of course I relapsed with a vengeance, and my sophomore year saw my weight climb just over 200 for the first time. I started healthfully losing weight about a year later, but relapsed upon moving back to Atlanta. I went back down to about 140 when I was 24 for my wedding, but jumped back to about 220 in about 18 months' time. Since that time I have fluctuated between 205 and 265 in a neverending, ever repeating cycle of weight loss, dieting, exercising, and relapse. Always. Never maintaining. Ever.
I am five feet, three and a half inches tall.
There are psychological reasons at play that I am just tired of thinking about. Even that has become a cycle. I will have a breakthrough realization, such as "I realized marrying my husband had been a mistake, I was no longer attracted to him, so I was gaining weight on a subliminal level as a means of repulsing him.". Yeah, depressing. Desperate, I know. But when I have this kind of realization, it feels like the proverbial lightbulb, and I feel some relief. I often feel a little excitement, as if figuring out the cause of my prior behavior will help me prevent it from happening again in the future. It does not. I get a little excited and lose a few pounds with a clearer mind. Then I realize it's meaningless and gain it back, plus one.
I have been morbidly obese for 12 years straight. I was yo-yoing between morbidly obese and normal for six years prior to that. This represents my entire adult life; before that I was a child. I count myself lucky that as a 37-year-old woman with this health history my only chronic problem is some mild hypertension, leftover from my second pregnancy. I don't know; there may also be issues with my heart. I am lucky to not have asthma and diabetes. Especially since I have been a smoker most of that same time period. Hell, I'm lucky to be alive, frankly, with the potential for damage I have posed my body.
So, for maybe the sixth time, I quit smoking four weeks ago today. I actually really feel like it is permanent this time, which is nice. This is not about smoking, but smoking and weight problems (of both the over- and under- kind) have a pretty complicated relationship. Of course, it is hard to think about how much good I am doing for my health when I gain 15 pounds in 4 weeks on a frame that clearly cannot handle it!
But I mention smoking because of the new attitude I have about it. I am wondering if I can somehow adapt the same attitude to fit my weight loss struggle. My feeling currently about smoking is simply, "No. You can't do that any more. You have two tiny children who depend on you, and will continue to do so for at least the next 25 years or so. It costs a fortune and is idiotic. No. " There is a finality to it. I've been looking at my eating habits, trying to determine if I can do something similar. Exercise is called for to assist with about 45 different issues I'm having at the moment, but it IS something additional. It's not something you can cut like smoking, nor is it something you HAVE to do to live, like eating. I mean yes, to some degree, you need to exercise to live well or live long. What I'm saying is it's been over a year and I'm still standing. Kind of. You can't not eat for a year.
I just want to be done with this.
I don't want to fail again. Sometimes it keeps me from even trying.
I want to look like a normal woman.
Written Tuesday, July 14, 2009 while eating reese's miniatures and drinking a diet coke
I resemble a woman, currently, but like a grotesquely exaggerrated woman, in a way. I have the biggest ass I have ever seen, ever. Ever. I have no idea what happened.
My body has been holding me back for almost my whole life. When I was a freshman in college I decided to do away with the ten to fifteen extra pounds I had always carried, so I starved myself for 2-3 months. I lost it. That's the only time I have been truly tiny. Maybe 110. Of course I relapsed with a vengeance, and my sophomore year saw my weight climb just over 200 for the first time. I started healthfully losing weight about a year later, but relapsed upon moving back to Atlanta. I went back down to about 140 when I was 24 for my wedding, but jumped back to about 220 in about 18 months' time. Since that time I have fluctuated between 205 and 265 in a neverending, ever repeating cycle of weight loss, dieting, exercising, and relapse. Always. Never maintaining. Ever.
I am five feet, three and a half inches tall.
There are psychological reasons at play that I am just tired of thinking about. Even that has become a cycle. I will have a breakthrough realization, such as "I realized marrying my husband had been a mistake, I was no longer attracted to him, so I was gaining weight on a subliminal level as a means of repulsing him.". Yeah, depressing. Desperate, I know. But when I have this kind of realization, it feels like the proverbial lightbulb, and I feel some relief. I often feel a little excitement, as if figuring out the cause of my prior behavior will help me prevent it from happening again in the future. It does not. I get a little excited and lose a few pounds with a clearer mind. Then I realize it's meaningless and gain it back, plus one.
I have been morbidly obese for 12 years straight. I was yo-yoing between morbidly obese and normal for six years prior to that. This represents my entire adult life; before that I was a child. I count myself lucky that as a 37-year-old woman with this health history my only chronic problem is some mild hypertension, leftover from my second pregnancy. I don't know; there may also be issues with my heart. I am lucky to not have asthma and diabetes. Especially since I have been a smoker most of that same time period. Hell, I'm lucky to be alive, frankly, with the potential for damage I have posed my body.
So, for maybe the sixth time, I quit smoking four weeks ago today. I actually really feel like it is permanent this time, which is nice. This is not about smoking, but smoking and weight problems (of both the over- and under- kind) have a pretty complicated relationship. Of course, it is hard to think about how much good I am doing for my health when I gain 15 pounds in 4 weeks on a frame that clearly cannot handle it!
But I mention smoking because of the new attitude I have about it. I am wondering if I can somehow adapt the same attitude to fit my weight loss struggle. My feeling currently about smoking is simply, "No. You can't do that any more. You have two tiny children who depend on you, and will continue to do so for at least the next 25 years or so. It costs a fortune and is idiotic. No. " There is a finality to it. I've been looking at my eating habits, trying to determine if I can do something similar. Exercise is called for to assist with about 45 different issues I'm having at the moment, but it IS something additional. It's not something you can cut like smoking, nor is it something you HAVE to do to live, like eating. I mean yes, to some degree, you need to exercise to live well or live long. What I'm saying is it's been over a year and I'm still standing. Kind of. You can't not eat for a year.
I just want to be done with this.
I don't want to fail again. Sometimes it keeps me from even trying.
I want to look like a normal woman.
Written Tuesday, July 14, 2009 while eating reese's miniatures and drinking a diet coke
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