Everything That Rises

Something good is happening. It's interesting, two things at once that both need to happen are converging. I need to practice writing, and I need to practice living a healthy lifestyle.

The need to practice writing cannot be explained. I write perfectly well in correspondence and business communication. I need to write. It's in my soul. I started when I was a baby, not even four years old. I kept a journal for ages. It's only been in my adult life that I have let it slip and have given up on my dreams of writing, or even my enjoyment of it.

That ends now.

I think if people who know me were to read this blog they would not recognize me here. This is because I believe I am going through the process known as "finding my voice." It is awkward. It is dry. It is boring. But it's going somewhere, I know it.

The other voice - the one that makes a sound - is hilarious and crazy and witty and low and loud and usually has a smile in front of it. This is different.

I can bitch to my girlfriends about my weight issues and problems, but really, at some point, I have to shut up and start pretending to be normal on the subject. Oh, exercise? Yeah, you're right, that's a great idea. I'll try to fit it in, for sure. You're absolutely right, it is super important. You've convinced me.

Have you ever talked to someone who keeps saying, "...yes, but..." to everything you say? It drives me nuts. I don't want to be that person. That's how I feel I usually start sounding in a conversation about What I Should Do About My Weight.

Sometimes I want to be the person who says, "Look, you fucking dumbass. Yes, I have a degree from Harvard. I have heard of exercise before. I have actually tried it, and in fact I have actually done a number of things that most people have not. I have actually ridden my bike 50 miles. I have climbed rocks. I have stayed on an hour of cardio / pilates program for upwards of a year, four to five times a week. In high school I ran cross country and during the season ran eighteen miles some days. At one time I could squat 250 pounds. So yes, I have heard of this thing of which you speak. I have seen all kinds of normal people limping along on treadmills and getting in their stupid 20 minutes on the treadmill and staying perfectly fit, and I suspect you are among them. It is not like that for me. When I start an exercise regimen it is scary. It means that yes, I will drop some weight upfront, but within about 2 months I will have plateaued while still in the morbidly obese range. Then, while still broke, while still the mother of two small children, while still working a full time job, I will have to figure out some way to get TONS of exercise, and really HARD exercise. While cutting calories drastically. To get any results at all. So PLEASE. This is not amateur hour. It is different for me. Shut up."

Don't get me wrong, I love support, I lap it up like a dog. What I don't like is people in the thin to normal range thinking they have any fucking clue. Giving me their secrets to happiness. Like cutting calories and exercising.

I guess my voice has some hostility in it, and I guess that's to be expected.

Turning to brighter matters, I did play at being healthful today and it wasn't too, too bad. This is the boring part, but hopefully I will look back on it one day and laugh and toss my hair about wildly.

Breakfast: 2/3 pint of blueberries, handful of almonds, black coffee
Lunch: 1/2 cup fresh pico de gallo, about 5 ryevita crackers (the colon blaster), some healthy choice steamer microwave chicken thing
Snack: 8-oz low sodium v-8, handful of pumpkin seeds
Dinner: grilled chicken salad with some super healthy omega 3 bullshit dressing, pecans, cranberries, a little asiago cheese, with a side of a big chunk of a baguette
Snack: Like maybe 12 pieces of chocolate and a handful of pretzels

I need to get the chocolate out of the house...

I went for a bike ride for about 20 minutes and it seriously made me feel like I had lost the use of my thighs. Ok, ok, I admit, it did feel kind of good. I think I just can't stand to have people talking at me when I'm trying to not stroke out after hard exercise. For me it was hard exercise. My girlfriend telling me how great my ass looked on the bike did not help matters.

Two days in a row of exercise. I probably just jinxed it by pointing that out, but let's try and see how long we can make that last. Personal challenge: How many days in a row can I get some exercise? Tune in at some point in the next 2-5 days for the answer.