Plans, Cycles

"If you fail to plan then you plan to fail." -Anonymous

Oh, piss off.

I know, okay?

So I just got back from weekly groceries. And I bought the same thing I buy every week. Seven days worth of amazing nutrition for myself and my family. With a monstrous snack for tonight. The idea is that I will start my new and healthy lifestyle on Monday. Every Monday. Then Monday night I have girlfriends over to watch our show, and it is the high point of my week socially, so no, it's not going anywhere unless the network changes days. And we snack and we usually have some alcoholic beverages. And sometimes we have heavy alcoholic beverages. And I usually forget to pack a healthy lunch for Tuesday, so now we're talking Wednesday before I can really get into my healthy new lifestyle. Wednesday is Spanish language night and we eat tostadas. They are fried in corn oil. They are muy delicioso and make me want to eat about 40 of them. So then it's practically weekend, and who the hell wants to start a healthy new lifestyle on a weekend???

OK, so the point is not to pick apart what I'm doing and how I could change my routine. The point is that this is my CURRENT cycle. It has always been something like this. There's always something in the way, and perhaps it is the case that deep down I don't want to change it, really. Maybe I'm afraid of change, who knows. I'm completely tired of thinking about this.

Today was lovely. I woke up knowing I needed to get some exercise. Real exercise. I'm somewhat afraid of having a much heightened heart rate these days because I'm afraid of how weak my heart is. I don't know, but I feel like it might be. So, for me to get good exercise, I feel like I need to spend a long time going slow to medium-slow. I ate some granola and then we walked to the playground. It's about a 45 minute walk one-way. I pushed the stroller on the way over with both boys in it; I think I read somewhere once that pushing a stroller burns 2 extra calories per minute. I played on the playground with the boys. I didn't do anything crazy active, just pulled myself up, hung from things, climbed stuff. Got in there. While we were there we had a healthy little lunch at the picnic area. PB&J on whole wheat, a few chips, a clif bar, a nectarine, and water. I did drink quite a bit of water today. Then we walked back. So far so good, right? Then I went grocery shopping. I was very good. I only bought one tiny square of turkish delight for me to have tonight. I ate it right after dinner, which was thin sliced pork loin chops, watermelon, and steamed carrots. Then everyone ate pretzels for some reason, so I had a few of those too. Not too bad. Then I ate probably fifteen hersheys kisses. I may eat more in a minute. And this was a good day for me.

I noticed my joints are pretty creaky today. They have every right and reason to be. And my back is just in outright agony. I think my ass is putting a huge torsion strain on it. If I look at myself in the mirror facing front, I look pretty overweight, but I don't look super obese. If I look from the side, it's terrifying. My ass sticks out so, so far. Like maybe a foot or more from my lower back. Then My belly hangs down at exactly the right angle to be adding pressure to my lower back. Like there's a massive vector on my lower spine pointed down and forward. As if the top half and bottom half of my body are not stacked on each other. All the weight of my top half is forward and all the weight of my bottom half is behind. Which I guess is better than the other way around, but it is killing my back. Just a note. One in a sea of worries.

Anyway, the thing is, I've tried everything. Well, not true. Since this whole thing started snowballing on me circa 1997, I havent' tried anything else I felt was unhealthy. Aside from that, I've tried it all. Small steps, yes. I get frustrated bc I don't get anywhere. Draconic (but healthy) measures such as Fat Flush, yes. I can't live like that. If I have to eat unseasoned grilled bison (even eight full freaking ounces of it) and raw radishes (bc carrots are too high on the glycemic bullshit scale) to look decent then y'all can all kiss my big fat ass. I've tried weight watchers, yes. It's a very good program. It's just immensely tedious and I give up after a few months. I did it last fall; it was great. I didn't even really exercise and I lost 20 pounds in like 6 weeks. Then another 5 or so over the next couple of months. Then Christmas. Then nothingland. I was proud of myself for kind of maintaining for a long time, but when I quit smoking it pretty much all became a wash.

So, I've become fairly afraid to try.

I think something, somewhere along the way did stick with me, though. I think it has to be true that you have to change your lifestyle, not just temporarily adopt a menu or exercise plan. I believe that is true. Thus it stands to reason that whatever you do has to be something that fits into your lifestyle. I mean, I enjoy playing in the pool on a hot summer day, for example. I don't like swimming. I don't have free and easy access to a pool. Therefore, does it make sense for me to try and make swimming a regular part of my regimen? No. You know? In my case though, there are a lot of things that don't fit in. Too many. So what does stick?

The only time in recent years I have had much luck with the whole diet-n-exercise combo was right before I got pregnant with my older son. I took up running and rock climbing. Hell yeah. As you can imagine, that did the trick. Running was goal-based. My sister and I were training for a half marathon. Rock climbing was what my friends were all doing. It was social. They both were, in a way. So those two things were melting the fat off me, plus I started doing just one key thing in my diet, which was to not eat anything between meals. The meals themselves were sometimes a little heavy, usually not, but nothing in between meals. The other key thing - and I believe this was truly key - was that any time I got a chance to do something active, I did it. I played frisbee with my friends, I walked my dog, I played dance dance revolution with my neice, you name it. Whatever anyone was doing. I made Yes my default answer. And as I did more, I became able to do more.

I know why I stopped - the pregnancy - but I don't know why I can't get back there again. Maybe the stress and tedium associated with family life? With working a sit-on-your-gigantic-ass-all-day-job? Maybe because I don't have the freedom of time any more? I can't rock climb until I lose some weight and get back to where I was when last I climbed. It was really difficult as it was, much less with the additional weight I've put on. But there's so much I can do, and should.

I don't have a plan. I packed a healthy breakfast and lunch for tomorrow, as well as a healthy snack for late afternoon. I have to run two errands at lunch tomorrow so no time for a noon walk. If I get to work on time, which is rare, then I could maybe leave on time and get in a super quick - like 20 minute - bike ride. Is that worth it? Well, since I'm mainly trying to get in shape to pull the trailer, then probably any amount is worth it. Then kids, then healthy dinner (salad and bread), then I'm making a raw vegetable dish for the girls who are coming over, then they get here, then we gab, then tv and booze. I think we're having mint julep to try and utilize the bounty of mint growing in my garden. I could say no. But it's free booze, and probably the only I will have this week. Times are tough and we don't get to drink like we used to.

Am I completely insane? Or is anyone out there following the sick logic?

I'm not an idiot, I swear. I'm actually a very smart woman.

It's balancing the current lifestyle against the future one. On one side we have a desire to be healthier, and the knowledge of how, more or less, to do it. More exercise, less calories. On the other side there's the desire to have fun. A love of food. A love of booze. Many years of this eating habit. A dislike of most forms of exercise. Creaky joints. Kids. Fatigue. Stress.

It's so, so hard. Now it's been so long and has taken up so much of my time and energy, I've developed a whole world of issues around it. A whole garden of psychological neuroses that I tend with my fork and knife.

I guess I do I have a plan for tomorrow, complete with a built-in loophole for failure. Shall I fail? Succeed? Who can say. One is at least as likely as the other.